Cordelia
by Hanu the Wayfarer
Summary: Sherlock has a text conversation with John about their invitation to Mycroft's upcoming wedding, as well as the unexpected identity of the bride. Who is this person? More importantly, what will Lestrade do upon finding out about her?


**AN****: This... is the product of my recent obsession with the most hilarious Sherlock crack-pairing I've ever come across. It started out as an omegle chat, but then I typed everything down and tweaked a few things with it like punctuation and the mistakes made with the characters' initials.**

**Sherlock belongs to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and the Moffinator (aka - Steven Moffat). If I owned it, just as with FMA, I would've ruined it beyond recognition.**

**Enjoy, kiddies! And don't let me hear that you've made the same mistake as Mycroft did!**

* * *

John? **-SH**

Yes, Sherlock? **-JW**

There's... something you need to know. **-SH**

What? You can tell me... unless it's something to do with burning my jumpers again... **-JW**

Well... Mycroft is getting married, and he's invited us to his wedding. **-SH**

Oh. That's... nice, I guess. I didn't know he was even with anyone. **-JW**

No, no, that's not where the problem is. The problem is who, or in this case, WHAT he is even with. **-SH**

Who is it? It can't be that bad... **-JW**

... It's a cake, John. **-SH**

... Excuse me? **-JW**

You heard me, Mycroft is engaged to a cake. I am an in-law with a CAKE. **-SH**

Oh, God... tell me it's some sort of joke... is that even legal? **-JW**

No, really, John. He somehow sucked up to the bigwigs well enough for them to permit him to go through with it. He even showed me the document certifying their engagement. **-SH**

I saw the cake itself as well... big, pink, and covered in strawberries. My God, did it ever make me nauseous... **-SH**

Haha... Oh God, who else is invited? It will be a complete disaster! ... Where would he even put the rign? **-JW**

Exactly what I'm wondering... I also wonder whether or not he even managed to GET more guests, considering people wouldn't be able to take him seriously enough. **-SH**

Oh, gosh... I've never laughed so much. **-JW**

You're not alone, John. In the moments where I wasn't nauseous I was keeled over in laughter. Mycroft didn't approve. **-SH**

Of course I didn't , little brother. **-MH**

Wha - Mycroft?! **-SH**

Mycroft... you and your cake in holy matrimony, eh? LOL **-JW**

What the hell are you even doing here? **-SH**

I came to give you an update on the wedding between Cordelia and I. It will be held in a few days, at 1 in the afternoon. **-MH**

And in response to your question, John - yes, I will soon be united in holy matrimony with Cordelia. **-MH**

May I remind you, Mycroft, that this is a PRIVATE texting line? **-SH**

Cordelia?! Haha, oh God... that's priceless! **-JW**

There's no need, Sherlock, I have as much of a right to partake in your discussions about myself as you do. **-MH**

And I'd advise you to control yourself, John. You'd better not start laughing like that during the ceremony. **-MH**

Good luck trying to stop me... will Cordelia give me a telling off? Haha **-JW**

Nice one, John... Mycroft, can you tell your Cordelia that she's let herself go just a smidgeon? **-SH**

Why, pray, should I tell her something that will potentially be insulting to her, little brother? **-MH**

OH GOD... stop... seriously, my stomach hurts from laughter **-JW**

I wonder what Lestrade will make of this situation... wasn't he with you before the whole cake thing? **-SH**

Lestrade... dumped for a cake. Now that's a Facebook status! Seriously, Mycroft - how is the sex? Delicious? LOL **-JW**

That's quite enough, John! What happens between myself and Cordelia is none of your business! Neither of yours! **-MH**

What about Lestrade's? **-SH**

You tell Greg and I'll have the hounds on you, Sherlock! Don't make me go against you! **-MH**

So why'd you connect me to this thing again, Sherlock? **-GL**

Oh God... this is gonna be fun! **-JW**

I believe Mycroft has something to tell you. **-SH**

Now you've done it... **-MH**

Done what? What do you need to say to me that's so important that you've got Sherlock telling me about it? -**GL**

Greg, I... I'm getting married. **-MH**

You're WHAT?! **-GL**

Indeed. And there's a catch to it as well. **-SH**

Oh, you'd better hope to God that it won't make me have to go over to your damn, posh, little shack and beat the shit out of you, Mycroft! **-GL**

I would have cake instead, actually... lol **-JW**

John, that wasn't funny! **-MH**

I happen to find it quite hilarious... as does Sherlock, I assume. **-JW**

Of course, I do. Nothing gets better than cake jokes within the past few minutes... it's actually the most I've ever laughed since Buckingham Palace! **-SH**

I don't think I'll ever be able to hear the word "cake" again without laughing **-JW**

Look, I don't care about your stupid inside joke! Just tell me, Mycroft, what miserable bint you've been enough of a wanker to run off with, you idiot! **-GL**

Greg, I... **-MH**

He is quite... yummy **-JW**

Are you feeling embarrassed, Mycroft? The tiniest bit humiliated? Or, dare I say it... FROSTY? **-SH**

Or she... sorry, hard to put a gender on it, I mean, her **-JW**

FROSTY! Gah, this is amazing **-JW**

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF BOTH YOUR GAMES! JUST OUT WITH IT, MYCROFT! **-GL**

Alright, if Mycroft is too much of a chicken to tell you himself, then I will! He is marrying a humongous, pink, gluttonous strawberry CAKE, which he baptized as CORDELIA. **-SH**

... **-GL**

WITH STRAWBERRIES! Can't forget the strawberries **-JW**

You sonovabitch, Mycroft. You cake-fucking sonovabitch. **-GL**

I lost you to a fucking cake?! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD, YOU TWAT?! **-GL**

AM I REALLY NOTHING TO YOU?! IS MY ARSE ALL YOU WANTED?! **-GL**

No, please, Greg! You don't understand! **-MH**

Oh, God... did NOT need that image. **-JW**

OH, I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND, EH?! WHY A FUCKING DIPSHIT IS WILLING TO CHOOSE AN INANIMATE OBJECT OVER THEIR LOVER?! **-GL**

Mycroft, I thought you were on a diet... **-JW**

That's it. I'm coming over there, and I'm going to EAT your precious CORDELIA. Right in front of your bleeding eyes. **-GL**

Wait, no! Don't you dare! **-MH**

Can I join you? I'm pretty hungry... **-JW**

I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE, YOU WANKER! **-GL**

And you two stay out of it - this is MY DIVISION! **-GL**

I'll contact the highest authorities to dispose of you if you dare set foot into my house, you hear?! **-MH**

Too late, you fucking twat. I'm already there. **-GL**

I'm still traumatized of the image of your arse, Greg... **-JW**

Your fucking cake is nothing but a LIE, Mycroft. It's time you got some sense into that thick, fat head of yours. **-GL**

I'm still here, in case you all thought I wasn't. I just couldn't stop laughing long enough to text back... **-SH**

**~*(In SpongeBob narrator's voice) ****_Three hours later...*~_**

Guys, I ate her.** -GL**

After giving Mycroft a good punch. **-GL**

CONGRATULATIONS! Was she as delicious as she sounded? **-JW**

In fact, I actually managed to fuck enough sense into him that we BOTH ended up eating her. **-GL**

And in answer to your question, John - yes, she was delicious. As was he. **-GL**

I hope that when you say "Fuck some sense" you don't mean literally - no, wait... you do. God, I didn't need that image, either! **-JW**

Charming. **-SH**

So the wedding is now off, I take it? **-JW**

Of course, it bloody well is, John. We ate the fucking bride, didn't we? **-GL**

Poor cake... had her whole life a head of her. **-JW**

Fuck the cake. Or fuck WITH it, in this case. **-GL**

Again, charming. **-SH**

Sherlock... Would you ever leave me for a cake? **-JW**

John, who do you take me for? I'm bloody well not Mycroft. **-SH**

Just checking. :) **-JW**

I love you, John. **-SH**

Well, I'll just leave you blokes to your lovey-dovey-ness, then. I'm going to have a massive hangover when I wake up tomorrow... **-GL**

From the whiskey AND the afterglow, mind you. **-GL**

Why do you insist on burning the image of you fucking Mycroft into my head? **-JW**

My response is the same. Charming. **-SH**

Yeah, tell Donovan that I'm calling off sick tomorrow, will you, Sherlock? **-GL**

Will do. **-SH**

Night then, boys. **-GL**

Goodnight. **-SH**

Night. Tell us when the funeral of poor Cordelia is, won't you? **-JW**

I told you, John, to fuck the cake. **-GL**

Now, good night. **-GL**

Good night :P **-JW**

That was... one of the more interesting text conversations we've had in a while. **-SH**

It made me laugh, at least. Plus, it will be something we can hold against them. **-JW**

Oh, definitely. Mycroft, especially... **-SH**

I look forward to giving Lestrade knowing looks when he shows up at the yard. **-JW**

I'd no longer care about the DI's personal life, and more about the cases he'll be assigning me. But you'd already know that by now. **-SH**

Also, remind me, John. If we were to ever get married, let's not have cake at our wedding. Those two things, as you've witnessed just now, never lead to good consequences. **-SH**

I'll do the looks for both of us, then. And yes, can we have jam instead, then? **-JW**

Yes, that'll be just perfect. **-SH**

I look forward to it. **-JW**

***~End~***


End file.
